


Life Is To Be Lived

by xStronger



Series: Hope is a dangerous thing [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Cats, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Remembers, F/M, Gen, Inhumans (Marvel), Inspired by Music, Kree (Marvel), Mild Gore, Natasha Romanov Feels, No Smut, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Steve Rogers, Science Experiments, Timeline What Timeline, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, What Have I Done, World War II, mentions of inhumans, not much logic either, there is no plot in my universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-09-30 17:44:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10168349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xStronger/pseuds/xStronger
Summary: "Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat."-Ralph Ellison, Invisible ManIn which Bucky tries to recover and understand the Modern Era at the same time.(sucky summary, semi-okay story)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> see end notes for more explanations

When Bucky hears the music for the first time, he's walking through the lab part of the Avengers Tower. The music hardly makes sense, but for some unknown reason, he feels something pushing him closer to the source of the sound.

"You know that everytime you play that song, the only thing I can think about is the Bananas in Pajamas?"

"Well Darcy, I believe that says more about you then it does about me. Besides, bananas cannot wear pajamas - it's logically impossible and to be frank, quite apsurd." 

Two women stood in the lab; Darcy Lewis was blue eyed with bushy brown hair that messily fell down her shoulders. Thick framed glasses nicely framed her face, or what you could see of it underneath that hideous red beanie she couldn't seem to part with - just by looking at her, you could come to a conclusion that she's somewhat quirky, but overall nice. Claire Wise, the second person in the room, on the other hand was a complete opposite of Darcy. With a not so stellar beggining at SHIELD as an undercover HYDRA agent, she was the modern day equivelent of a Judas - but Darcy didn't seem to mind.

"I have my ways of getting even."

"Darcy, if you even think about singing that damned song, I swear to- "

"Friday, buddy, bud, pal - would you play me a song? You know the one." Darcy Lewis loved and cherished cartoons above else - even above Claire's sanity.

"Right away miss Lewis." came the AI's response - Bucky still had a hard time coming to grips with a bodiless voice and a 24/7 surveilence. None of that sat right with him.

" _Baton Rouge, Louisiana; Indianapolis, Indiana and Columbus is the capital of Ohio._ " Darcy sang along without skipping a beat while Claire groaned in annoyance.

"I cannot believe you're singing along with a bald mole rat about the capitals of the 50 states." she complained in disbelief and continued working on her paper. Bucky was amused, unlike Darcy's companion and he saw the humor that was obviously going over Claire's head.

In response to her comment, Darcy only sang louder.

" _There's Montgomery, Alabama, south of Helena, Montana, then there's Denver, Colorado, under Boise, Idaho. Texas has Austin, then we go north, to Massachusetts' Boston, and Albany, New York. Tallahassee, Florida, and Washington, D.C. Santa Fe, New Mexico, and Nashville, Tennessee._ "

"The naked mole rat was Kim Possible, not The Animaniacs, fyi." Darcy informed her companion, who seemed like she couldn't care less.

"The more you learn every day." Claire replied half heartedly, shrugging. Bucky leaves them to their bickering before he is detected.

 

*******

 

The next time Bucky sees the two of them, they're in the company of Steve Rodgers. The three of them them sit huddled together in the common area, underneath a fort of blankets and pillows Darcy dragged out of the storage compartment Tony designed specially for movie nights. It seemed that Claire had made it her mission to introduce the Man Out of Time with the 21st century and it's countless wonders. Once again, Bucky observes from the side lines, not wanting to destroy the relaxed atmosphere.

"So this is very popular?" Steve asks, nodding towards the tv, that was displaying two animated lions singing their hearts out. Darcy's jaw drops, like Steve just insulted everything near and dear to her, but Claire just laughed at both of them.

"Watching The Lion King is a pivotal moment in the life of every child. You haven't really lived at all unless you've seen it." Claire offered an explanation and Steve solemly nodded, being ever respectful, like always. Steve who used to stuff his shoes with newspapers and that barely reached up to Bucky's shoulder was now a tall, muscly man - but even if his physical appearance was way different, he was still the same Steve. Steve, a 90-something year old who would watch a cartoon with two women and take it seriously as a heart attack. That thought lured out a smile on Bucky's face. 

Despite everything they've been through, Bucky was glad to know that Steve managed to hang on to that part of innocence he always had.

As the movie rolled to an end, Darcy already prepares for another one.

"What's next Capsicle?" She pats Cap's arm and she can't help herself, her fingers lingering there for a moment longer then they should while Claire rolls her eyes at Darcy's barely concealed ogling.

"Not you too Darcy."

"Sorry Cap, spending time with Tony is really starting to rub off on me."

"I vote Tangled." Claire brings the playful banter to an end and both of them look sheepish.

"Tangled it is, I suppose." Steve smiles and Bucky swears that Darcy looks moments away from fainting. The effect Steve had on girls sometimes.

The three of them happily dive into the next over the top, sugary story filled with song, joy and laughter and Bucky takes a last glance at them; the happiness on his friends face was a rare sight to see these days. Or maybe that was the case only when Steve was around Bucky. So for the second time, Bucky leaves before anyone notices his presence, once again choosing to keep away from the rest of the Tower's occupants.

 

*******

 

The third time, it's Claire who comes to Bucky, not the other way around. 

Pepper, Jane and Darcy had joined forces and over a period of one week, the three of them created a make-shift indoor botanical garden. Pepper demanded that Tony gives up one floor of the Avengers Tower so that the girls can create a quiet, calm enviorment where they could relax and drink tea.

While Pepper was on official buisness and Jane was neck deep in her research, Darcy and Claire were the only ones who came down there - until Bucky moved in. Claire found him in the garden a couple of times, but not wanting to impose, she usually left the Winter Soldier to his thoughts.

This time however, Claire decided to join him, may solitude be damned. So she walked down the isles filled with beautiful flowers and admired the ghost orchids; Pepper's favorite flowers were orchids, so Tony naturally moved heaven and Earth to find the most exotic and beautiful orchids to fill the garden with, as a gift to Pepper.

Claire's personal favorite was not a flower; in fact, it was a fungi. Mycena luxaeterna was a bioluminescent fungi that grew among the flowers and created a breath-taking sight once Friday turned the artificial lights off. Claire appreciated small beauties and that was one of them.

"You know, you're free to join us."

Not used to being caught off guard, Bucky jumps up and years of conditioning and training kick in - he's ready for a fight, with a knife drawn from some place Claire could not see. In a way, he reminds her of a cornered animal.

"Easy there Indiana Jones, it's just me."

Fearless or possibly foolish, depending on the point of view, Claire takes a seat on the bench Bucky just jumped from. He joins her, knife gone and she cannot help but to notice that he's sitting as far away from her as the bench would allow it.

"It's okay, I don't bite." with a small smile, Claire takes in their surroundings with a happy sigh "It's beautiful here, isn't it?"

"It's quiet." Bucky replies and for a moment, Claire is stunned into silence because she was half expecting him to not say a word, let alone acknowlege her presence. A few minutes pass in silence, with both of them looking at the sight in front of them before Claire ends it.

"You know, I meant what I said. You're more then welcome to join us. Steve is not the only one in this Tower that's out of his time." her words are met with a wall of stoic silence, but Claire was not born to be a quitter.

"Okay, your self-imposed solitude is your problem, but would it kill you to try?"

Harrasing James Bucky Barnes, best friend of Captain America and a war hero wasn't how Claire planned to spend her time, until the forementioned Captain America didn't ask her to do just that. The brooding Winter Soldier beside her was simply an indication that she should consider self-preservation when agreeing to do favors in the future, because he did not look happy with her poking around.

"Don't you have something better to do?" Bucky does not want Claire to be this close; with no one else around. The woman clearly has no sense of self-preservation whatsoever, because if she did, being alone with the Winter Soldier would be the last thing she's ever want to do.

"Currently? No." 

"Well you should go and find something." instead of listening to Bucky's advice, Claire stays, turning on the bench so that she faces Bucky directly. He ignores her completely, because a part of him knows that prying into other people's business is what she does for a living and Steve even nagged him a couple of times to go see her down at the VA's office, or at least Sam; but Bucky refused every single time.

"No, I think I'm good here. I don't mind the silence either." in one swift movement, Claire was on her back, lounging on the bench with her feet almost in the Winter Soldier's lap "Friday? Lights out."

"Right away miss Wise."

"What? No, the light -" Bucky's voice was filled with unconcealed panic for a moment, just as the lights went out and the room lit up under the glow of thousands Mycena luxaeterna's that grew between the lovely orchids.

"What?" Bucky breathes out in surprise as the soft greenish glow illuminates the room and Claire tries her best to hide the smug smile on her face.

"They're bioluminescent - even with the lights off, you're never in the dark."

And so she waited in silence for him to say something - anything.

"I don't like the dark."

Claire watches the man beside her, who looks at everything else but her before adverting her gaze back to the garden.

"I know."

The next time Bucky wanders into the garden, he notices a fort of blankets and pillows similar to the one Steve made with Darcy and Claire and next to it a laptop with a sticky note one it.

" _Doesn't mean you can't catch up until you decide to ditch the dark - C._ "

 

*******

 

"Darcy, I swear on Thor's hammer, if you don't stop, I _will_ bury you in the garden." Claire sounds stressed. That is the first thing Bucky registers. Darcy Lewis is seated in one of those chairs that spin and she seemed commited to her cause; which was driving Claire Wise nuts, from what Bucky could tell.

"Janey is busy with Thor's hammer, if you know what I mean, so she is ignoring me and that means that you're blessed with my company for the rest of today." Darcy flashes a smug smile at Claire, who to be frank, looks like she's ready to strangle the energetic brunette.

"Darcy, I'm busy as well - I have case files to review. Jane's busy sounds much better then mine, however." 

"That, it does. It really does." Darcy comments and looks up, right at Bucky, who's awkwardly standing in the doorway. Her smile does not falter like he expected it to, but instead broadens and she gets up to greet him with a strong hug.

"Bucky Barnes, it is a pleasure to meet you. Darcy Lewis."

"She's a hugger. No respect for personal space whatsoever." Claire mutters when she sees the confused look on Bucky's face while he awkwardly hugs Darcy back with one hand, keeping the metal one as far away from her as possible.

"Shush it Wise, you know you love my cuddles."

"Of course I do." Claire huffs, sounding like that's her least favorite thing in this world. Darcy spares a nasty look her way, but otherwise says nothing. Bucky is just about to open his mouth when something flies past his head and the instincts kick in once more - the blurry projectile however, ends up crashing into a stack of neatly organized folders with a thump before Bucky manages to blink.

" _Peter._ " Claire's sigh is one of utter defeat as she looks at the papers falling through the air around them.

"Sorry Claire! My balance is a little off lately." a muffled voice comes from the wreckage and soon, a head follows too. Peeking out is the teenage boy that admired Bucky's metal arm in that damned airport in Germany; Bucky can't be sure, because he never saw the kid's face, but the voice sounds an awful lot like him.

"Seems like your ability to ' _break_ ' and ' _stop_ ' is a little off too, lately." gathering her papers, Claire sighs for the milionth time that day - working at the Avengers Towers, and living there, had it's perks - but it also had it's cons. A lot of cons. Be it the spy twins, or an alien god who had a knack for frying anything electronic or the two juiced up super soldiers - and on top of that, and AI made out of vibranium and tissue, teenage witch and a billionare flying in a suit of armor. A merry band of misfits with temper issues.

And that's without the big, green rage monster.

"PETER!"

Speaking of the spy twins.

"Yeah, he's here Nat." Claire calls out and soon, Natasha Romanov stands in front of them - Claire never saw the woman panicked or stressed, but as she stood there with worry clearly stamped all over her pretty face, Claire came to a conclusion that Peter must mean a lot to Natasha, if she's willing to openly show how she feels for him. Natasha doesn't show emotion. Ever.

"I'm fine Nat. These papers softened the blow." if the dumb smile on Peter's face was an indicator that he wasn't aware of Claire, who looked ready to strangle him, it was to everyone else in the room. Natasha made her way past Bucky and Darcy and placed her hand on Claire's shoulder.

"Forgive him, he's just a _malen'kiy pauk_." Bucky recognizes the words in a language he knows as well as english and he watches as Natasha helps Peter out, taking bits of paper out of his hair. Bucky knew what the Red Room did to every graduate. Judging by Claire's anger that suddenly seemed deflated, she knew as well - she watched Natasha and Peter with a gentle, forgiving smile. Claire knew just how much her friend cared about her _malen'kiy pauk_. Natasha's little spider.

Once the spy/assasin and boy wonder left and Darcy went on a hunt for some snacks, Claire adverted her attention to Bucky, the only person beside herself left in the lab.

"You seem busy, so I'll just come some other time..."

"I'm not busy. Dum-E can sort the papers. He did it the first time too." Claire doesn't stare at him; instead, she focuses on the file in front of her. An army vet who can't sleep and who's life is on a rapid spiral going downwards. Most of her files were like that one.

"I don't wanna bother you, s'all.." unable to come up with any reasonable excuse, Bucky choses silence.

"Did Cap put you up to this? Or was it Sam?" her intelligence was astounding, as was her ability to see right through him and his bullshit. Defeated, Bucky nods, but it's Claire's reaction that takes him by surprise.

"Those two really need to learn how to mind their own business." closing the file with a slam that makes Bucky jump, she huffs "I told Steve that he can't force you to do anything and Sam- he really should know better."

"I... I'd.. I don't mind talking, I guess." Bucky gives a little shrug, toeing at something only he can see on the floor "Nothing else though, just.. Talk. That alright with you doc?"

"If that's what _you_ would like, then sure." scribbling down times on a sticky note, she hands it over to Bucky "We'll meet in the garden, twice a week."

Without saying a word, the former Winter Soldier turns to leave, looking at the bright yellow note in his hand. When Steve had suggested it the first time, Bucky firmly declined - ' _therapy_ ' was a waste of time, in his opinion. But nothing else had worked and he was finding himself at the end of his rope. Why not give everything a shot?

' _You gotta start somewhere. This is a start._ '

What's the point of a life that he got back, if he was going to spend it hiding away? No, it's time to finally live.

 


	2. Ghost of The Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> '..About yee high, with waist long dark plait...'
> 
> A girl, matching Bucky's description to a T, observed them all from the corner.

Bucky Barnes had bad days.

Today was one of those bad days.

On bad days, he'd barely leave his bed and getting him out of the room was nearly impossible. Anything short of saying that the Tower was burning down didn't work and Steve would know; he'd tried all of it, only to face failure. Once Bucky was in one of his mood, it seemed best to leave him to it until he came out of it on his own.

"Steve! Are you even listening to me?"

"Yeah, no, yeah - leave him be. Don't engage. Got it." looking into the bloodshot eyes of Captain America, who looked to be on the edge himself, Claire hated the fact that there's not more she could do for the both of them. Seeing Bucky the way he was was tearing Steve apart, whether he admits it or not, Claire could see it bright as day.

"Damn it, I... I still dream it Claire. Every damn night." Steve Rodgers hides behind his palms, rubbing his face, almost like that could take off all the frustration he feels.

"The train?"

"Yes."

"I'd like you to try sleep medication. Now I know -" Claire quiets the protest Steve's about to make "- it's not what you want, but don't knock it 'till you try it. If it doesn't do much, we kick 'em to the curb."

"Okay." After a moment of silence, the good Captain agrees at last "And what about Bucky?"

"You leave him be, he'll come around, when he's ready."

 

And it's just like Claire said - once the haunting memories and deafening screams subsided, Bucky emerged from his room. His hair was sticking out in all directions, his eyes bloodshot and with dark bags underneath, but he was walking and in his arms he carried a ball of fur that looked perfectly happy nestled right where it was, in the crook of Bucky's metal arm.

Bucky wandered into the common area only to find it, thankfully, empty. He wasn't able to face any of the Avengers and facing Steve after a bender like that didn't seem right. Bucky was always the one who protected Steve, not the other way around.

"Friday?" giving the ceiling a tenative look, Bucky waits for a reply that comes instantly.

"Yes Sargent Barnes?"

"Can you, ah, can you make coffee?" Bucky looks down at the cat sleeping in his arms and even though Friday is a disembodied voice coming from the ceiling, Bucky could've sworn he could hear a smile in her reply.

"Of course Sargent Barnes."

"And one more thing... Uh, can you tell me time and date, please?"

"Of course, it is Saturday, the 15th and the time is 7:45 P.M."

With a short nod of acknowlegment Bucky sits down, adjusting the small creature in his hold ever so gently, but even that gets him a meowed complaint from the cat, who sleepily blinks at him before re-adjusting and going back to sleep.

"Alright you whiny ball of fur, alright." he says, but his words have no heat behind them; in fact, he's smiling at the cat. The cat that somehow found her way into his room and refused to leave. The fur ball had a strong ' _will-not-be-evicted_ ' attitude and would not leave him alone, no matter how many times Bucky had pushed her off the bed. The persistant bastard would always crawl back up and curl into a ball next to Bucky's head.

"I see you've met Luna." at the sound of Claire's voice, the cat's ears perk up and every thought of sleep is abandoned. Getting accustomed to people, Bucky lost some of his instincts and was no longer drawing out a knife every time someone suddenly spoke.

"Yeah, I have no idea where she came from, but I cannot keep her away."

By some miracle, Claire was not already in a melted puddle on the floor - Luna was always ' _I-do-what-I-want_ ' type of cat and she always roamed the Tower freely, much to Tony's annoyance, even though deep down, he really liked the cat but would never admit it. Three days ago, however, Luna simply vanished into thin air. Darcy, Steve, Claire and even Natasha searched the whole Tower, top to bottom, but there was no sign of Luna anywhere and Claire was on the brink of losing her mind when Friday notified her that Luna is currently in the company of Sargent Barnes.

"The pesky cat belongs to me, don't you?" almost as if she was answering to Claire, the cat meows loudly, trying to stick her tiny claws into Bucky's metal arm - another meow of protest ensued when the task seemed to fail and Bucky quickly placated her with a scratch behind the ears.

"I didn't know that. You can have her back." Bucky's level of sudden discomfort is obvious on his face and Claire can read him like an open book - if she wanted to. For now, what he's not willing to share, she will not pry into it. For now.

"No,no, don't let me rain on your parade. She looks mighty comfortable there too, so I would not want to be the one who has to tell her to move it." pouring herself and Bucky a cup of coffee that Friday prepared, Claire claims a seat a few spaces away from Bucky, so she was not crowding him.

"I know we missed some ' _garden time_ ' but I..."

"It's all good." Claire dismisses him with a wave of her hand and there's a long strech of silence afterwards, but she cannot shake the feeling that something's on Bucky's mind as he scratches Luna behind the ears absentmindedly. The fur ball was loving the attention she's been given and Claire is at least 90% sure that getting her cat away from Bucky will be used as an inspiration for the 6th installment of the _Mission Impossible_ movie franchise. The writers won't have to even try, their work will already be cut out for them; all Friday needs to do is to provide them with the security tapes from the Tower's servers.

"Can I ask you something?" making a mental note of how he takes in their surroundings with an ever watchful eye - assasin instincts that have yet to be shed off? - Claire nods in affirmation and it takes a few moments for Bucky to gather up his thoughts and a couple more for him to verbalize them.

"Is there a girl in the tower, about yee high.." he motions with his left hand away from the ground, stirring Luna in the process and the unforgiving beast lets out another meow of complaint "..with a waist long dark plait?"

Claire's brain kicks into overdrive - quickly playing the list of faces in her mind, no one currently residing in the tower matched the description that Bucky provided her with. It's odd and the fact that it was an out of the blue question has Claire puzzled.

"No, I don't think there's anyone here matching that. Why?" Bucky suddenly looks three shades paler and his forehead is dotted with tiny beads of sweat.

"Bucky? What's wrong?"

"I've seen her... But she's not there." forgetting about the cat in his lap, Bucky brings both hands to his head, tightly clutching the sides as Luna abandons his lap; scared off by the sudden movements. _The fuse was lit._

"Was she a mission? Did I... hurt? No...She was a _kid_." _tick-tock._

"Remember, damn you! Remember her face." _the fuse burned out._

_Explosion ensued._

Claire was suddenly aware of the danger that Tony drilled her about, as Bucky - no, as the _Winter Soldier_ smashed the coffee cups in one smooth motion; pieces of broken white porcelain covered the wooden floors and Claire's breath caught up in her throat as the warm coffee dripped off the polished white counter.

"Bucky, I - it's alright." Claire wanted to curse the fact that her voice shook when she finally managed to muster up enough courage to speak, but the anger and frustration on Bucky's face was her main focus. She expected an outburst like this, sooner or later, because after everything he's been through, Claire was - honest to God - surprised that the man was a somewhat functioning human. If it were her in his place, she would be spending most of her time curled into a human ball on the floor of her bedroom. 

After a few moments that seemed to drag on, Claire realized that Bucky was staring at some invisible dot on the floor, eyes un-seeing and ears un-hearing. Blind and deaf to everything around him except to the horrors in his own head.

"Okay Bucky, let's get you back to your room."

Once he was safely tucked in and asleep, with Luna commfortably nestled in the crook of his left arm, Claire watched Bucky from the doorway. He told her before that he could sometimes hear screams and audio hallucinations weren't that strange in people suffering from PTSD, but a full blown visual hallucination was sticking out like a sore thumb to Claire and there was no history of them before - this one will keep her up tonight. With a sigh, she turns off the light and retreats to her own space, more then ready to call it a night.

Once the doors to Bucky's room were closed, a girl emerged from the shadows; the long, dark plait falling over her left shoulder. Her eyes were fixed on Bucky, carefully following the way his chest rose up and then fell down with each breath that he took.

Luna's ears perked up and the cat raised it's furry head, hissing and then meowing at the girl as she stepped closer.

"Hi Luna." the cat calmed down, resuming her original position and the girl smiled - Luna the protector.

"Sleep tight Sargent Barnes." and just as she appeared, the girl disappeared back into the shadows.

***

No one mentions the " _ghost girl_ " thing in the days following Bucky's mild meltdown, even though everyone in the Tower knows what happened. Claire forgot to pick up the pieces of broken porcelain so when Tony waltzed into the common area the next morning, he demanded and explanation from Friday - and he got one. Deep down, it nagged him, but he shoved down the thoughts into a deep pit where they couldn't bother him. Instead, he keeps his mind busy with tinkering in the workshop and tries his damn hardest to avoid Natasha at any cost - the woman was truly terrifying when she wanted to be and thank you very much, but Tony liked to avoid the super-spy with a score to settle.

Natasha didn't show any reaction to Claire's story about ' _ghost girl_ ' other then raising her eyebrow and staring daggers into Tony. Sooner or later, they will talk about it, just not now.

Bucky doesn't mention the girl anymore and keeps Luna in his lap most of the time, but every night when he goes to bed, the girl is there - waiting in the shadows.

He tried ignoring her. She still appeared the following night.

He tried screaming at her to _please leave him alone, he is sorry for what he has done, he just wants to sleep, please_ but his screams were overheard and his pleas ignored. The following evening, she was there, in the corner she seemed to preffer.

He tried sleeping in the garden, hoping that the ghost from his past that haunted his present wouldn't follow him there, but she did - each night, right before he closed his eyes, she appeared like a mirrage on a hot summer day, disappearing just as quickly, becoming the last thing Bucky saw on the end of each day. 

So he tried to give up sleep alltogether. 

Claire found him in the garden, leaned on one of the top to bottom windows, muttering to himself.

"I'm sorry I cannot remember you... I am trying, but I... I don't know what I did to you." half delirious and incoherent, Bucky was barely keeping his eyes open and a wave of worry washed over Claire - there was no one around them when she looked, but Bucky's eyes seemed to be fixed to a specific corner, as if he could see something that she could not. Upon noticing Claire, Bucky jumped to his feet, his whole body language screaming that he's ready for a fight and for a short lived moment, Claire was terrified, but then the sleep deprived man before her wobbled and started falling forward. Claire was fast enough to catch him and gently lower him on the ground, but she wasn't naive - moving him on her own was impossible.

"Friday, please tell Natasha and Peter to meet me in the garden."

"Agent Romanoff and Mr.Parker have been notified and they are both on their way to you. May I suggest some sleeping aid to wait for you in Sargent Barnes' room?"

"Yes Friday, good idea, thank you."

Claire sat in silence, running her fingers through Bucky's long hair as she waited for Natasha and Peter. Her mind drifted towards things she didn't want to think about - her time spent in collage, time after it and finally her recruitment to SHIELD/HYDRA. Claire knowingly worked for those people; she knowingly worked for HYDRA and it made her sick to her stomach now that she looked at Bucky's head placed on her lap, incoherently mumbling apologies for things he cannot even remember doing. They did this to him. HYDRA did this to him. And in her way, Claire had helped them.

"Claire? What happened?" Natasha's trained eyes immediately scanned the garden for potential threats, but Claire just shook her head.

"He hasn't slept for I don't know how long. Help me to get him to his room."

"Sargent Barnes hasn't slept for 82 hours." Friday interrupted and Claire and Natasha just shared a look as Peter let out a low whistle.

Bucky didn't protest when the three of them tried to carry him to the room assigned to him, but once his back was on the matress, the feverish words came back.

"No - I can't... I don't remember her, I can't..." 

"Should I web him to the bed? Claire?" Peter put his hands up as a visual aid to his words while Claire and Natasha struggled to keep the former assasin on the bed. As Friday offered, there was an IV pole with a bag of fluids on it in the corner of the room and Claire nodded towards it, too occupied to tell Peter what she needed. Thankfully, it didn't take much for him to understand her and he rolled the pole next to the bed.

"It's alright, calm down, you'll be fine." a thousand and one comforting word and phrase rolled off Claire's tongue while she gently guided the needle under Bucky's skin, securing it in place with some medical tape. Once the drip was adjusted, Bucky's ressistance lessened and he calmed down. It worked for two whole minutes, before he started to wake again.

"This should have him knocked out, I don't understand?" Claire looked over to Natasha, who seemed just as confused and there, in the corner, stood a girl. 

' _..About yee high, with waist long dark plait..._ '

A girl, matching Bucky's description to a T, observed them all from the corner.

"Am I the only one seeing this, or is it the rest of you too?" Claire's voice was barely above a whisper, _but she was seeing a girl that was supposed to be a visual hallucination_ , so yes, she was mildly freaking out.

"No, I'm pretty sure it's the rest of us too, right Tasha?" Peter mumbled and looked over to Natasha, seeking some form of assurance from her. Natasha eyed the girl like a hawk would it's prey and the silence dragged on, occasionally interrupted with whimpers coming from Bucky.

"I just want to help. I am not haunting him." the girl spoke directly to Natasha and after a short silence, Natasha nodded and the girl stepped forward, Luna in tow. If this wasn't confusing as it already was, Claire would have gasped at the obvious betrayal of her furry companion; Luna rubbed her head against the girls leg before she gracefully jumped onto the bed, skillfully avoiding Bucky's restless arms and finally, the feline settled down next to Bucky, giving his metal arm a quick lick before going to sleep.

"Sleep tight Sargent Barnes."

As if her words lifted an invisible curtain, Bucky calmed down and eventually, fell asleep. When Claire turned around, still not believeing what she's seen with her own eyes, the corner was empty, like the girl wasn't even there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, I've thought about this and wanted to write so more madness from inside of my head. I don't know where this is going, but we'll see, i guess.


	3. The Ghost Resolved

" _There was this girl, you know, who always brought us water - we didn't know back then that she wasn't supposed to do that._ "

Thumbing throught several files she brought back to the Tower to study, Claire remembered the first soldier who told her about the horrors he saw. It was Claire's first case, newly out of college and happy that she decided to go back, finish her final year and graduate. The happiness was short lived however, because after their first session, Claire found herself in the ladies room, throwing up the remnants of the lunch she had right before her session with the soldier.

" _She spoke some english, told us to be quiet, that's she'll be back as soon as she can. We all thought it to be some trick they were playing on us, you know - psychological warfare. Give us all some saviour to mend our wounds after all the shit - I'm sorry, stuff they did to us, she'd be a sight for sore eyes. But it wasn't. Over time, I got to know her and let me tell you, for someone who's face I couldn't see, she had a funny way of making you trust her._ "

" _Why is it important to see someone's face?_ " Claire had asked him then and the soldier smiled at her; there was no joy in his smile, no it was a cynical smile of a man who saw a lot of things - some of them probably traumatic enough to break a person's spirit.

" _Don't trust people who's face you can't see. A face is like an open book and if you know how to read it, you know who to trust and who to not trust._ " that rendered her speechless and the soldier continued his story.

" _She told me, once I asked her about it, she told me about the cover they wear, the burqa - explained it to me the best she could. I admire her now because it had to be frustrating to explain your culture to someone who didn't understand it or respect it, but she didn't complain. Somehow, over discussing cultures and traditions, we became friends. Her name was Zaira and man could she make you laugh, even if you were in literal Hell on Earth. I saw her face only once._ "

Then, the soldier went quiet, staring at something over Claire's head, but when she turned to look, there was nothing there.

" _The guards caught her when she was bringing us water. They shoved her into our cell and started yelling at her in arabic - I couldn't.. - I didn't know what was happening, but even if I did, it wouldn't have mattered. They shot her in front of us and left her to die with 'her beloved american pigs'. I remember holding her in my arms and she took her burqa off - underneath the fabric was a kid; she couldn't have been older then 16. They killed a 16 year old girl because she brought us water. Zaira bled out in my arms and there's not a day that goes by since then that I don't see her face. Not a single day._ "

Sam found her later, in the ladies room, retching into the toilet and the best he could do was to pat her back and tell her to let it out.

Somewhere next to her on the couch, Darcy snorted, laughing at the TV screen showing The Big Bang Theory - a tv show they mutualy enjoyed watching, so it was an unspoken rule that on Thursday nights, Claire, Natasha and Darcy would watch a group of nerd scientist trying to live a somewhat normal life.

"You've been staring at those files all night long, Claire, you're no fun." Darcy threw some popcorn her way and some of the salted projectiles landed in Claire's hair, but all Darcy got in return was a shrug.

"Darcy's right, you've been acting strange all week. What's on your mind?" the Widow commented, keeping her eyes on the screen.

"A lot of things, but they can wait." closing the files and throwing them onto the couch, Claire focused on the screen "This is a good episode. Has a reference that I know Tony would enjoy."

"A reference to what?" Darcy asked and Natasha tried to hold in her smile; Claire and Natasha had seen the episode already.

"To himself."

"I heard that." Tony mutters from the kitchen, oblivious to the fact that he waltzed right into a trap.

"You were supposed to." Claire sings back and settles in comfortably, with Natasha's feet in her lap. This is what she needs, Claire thinks, some quiet time with her friends. That's gonna get her back on the right track.

But Claire couldn't shake away the thoughts about ' _ghost girls_ '. Nor could she forget the haunted look on Bucky's face.

***

"You inconsiderate little insect!" Claire's angry yells could be heard across the entire lab level in the Tower, so Natasha's mission to locate Peter was simple enough. And there he was, getting repeatedly whacked on the head with folded newspapers.

"Techincally, spiders are arachnids, not insects -but you know, potatoe potato." Darcy adds in, not even once looking up from the clipboard in front of her; Janey's research was neatly clipped and organized and all Darcy had to do was to double check everything.

"Darcy, not now." Claire was beyond herself with anger; and even a glance at her now ruined tablet sent a fresh wave of rage through her.

"Claire, I am so sorry, I really am. Honest to God, I'll fix it, I promise." Peter tried to avoid the soft blows, but Claire held his hand with an iron clasp and there was no escaping her wrath. Natasha took it upon herself to train the youngest member of their group and not just because they shared certain traits; no, Natasha saw something in the boy. A sort of innocence that she rarely saw in people around her. Peter truly believed in doing the right thing, no matter the cost and Natasha would never admit it to a living soul, but she hoped to share that belief one day.

"All of my files were on that thing Peter! All of them!" the young psychiatrist was shaking with rage and a hint of desperation that a civilian might have missed, but not the Black Widow, who was traind to spot things like that. What was on that tablet that was so important to Claire that she was willing to bludgeon Peter to death with newspapers because he knocked over a glass of water on it?

"I'm sorry Claire, I really am.."

"Sorry doesn't fix it! God, Peter, just... Just go, please." Peter was released from the death grip and Claire sat down, head in her hands. She was in the middle of hacking Friday - her access was restricted and she could not open the files that she needed; the ghost girl had to be located somewhere in the Tower, but Tony was stone-walling her and so hacking was her last resort.

"Claire, I'm sorry..."

"Out! Now! Friday, I am revoking Peter's clearance to my lab - I don't want you in here!" cruel words that sounded nothing like the Claire she knew and loved drew Darcy's attention and she glanced up from the clipboard; the three of them stared at Claire who seemed to realize what she just did.

"Mr.Parker's access is now restricted Dr. Wise." Friday clinically stated and Peter lowered his head, unable to meet their eyes. He quietly left the room, shaking off Natasha's hand when the older woman tried to stop him and perhaps offer him some comforting words - and then the super-spy narrowed her eyes on Claire.

"This was unnecessary. The way you treated Peter is not acceptable. You will not talk to him like that, ever again. Did I make myself clear?" Natasha was Claire's friend from day one that Claire stepped into the Tower; the Widow understood what it's like to be the black sheep, with a not so stellar beginning, so the two women bonded over it with some pizza and a couple of beers. Thus, their friendship was born - but now Claire was seeing the other side of Natasha Romanoff, the one Tony was terrified of and with good reason. The psychiatrist in Claire knew that the motherly instinct that was usually dormant in Natasha was now out and in full swing, so her best option to survive was to nod silently and pray that Natasha spares her.

"When you see my friend Claire, do tell her that we'll talk when she comes back to her senses." Darcy stood by Natasha and the two of them left the lab, leaving Claire alone.

 

A new tablet was placed in front of her, still in its box, along with a cup of coffee. Claire blinked in surprise, not sure how much time had passed since her altercation with Natasha and Darcy.

"Never thought about you as a ' _blunt force trauma_ ' kind of person Wise, but I'll be damned." Tony sat down, his own cup of coffee in hand and Claire sighed, picking up the cup offered to her "I know you were hacking Friday, fyi."

"If you're here to slap me on the wrist, I think Natasha already beat you to the finish line." after a couple of small sips, Claire's insides warmed up and she felt a bit better, not that she deserved to feel better after what she did. The look on Peter's face nearly broke her heart and the feeling of disappointment with herself settled deep in the pit of her stomach.

_*_

"No, no, I think you got a sufficient amount of punishment from both Tasha and miss Lewis. I'm here to give you what you've been after - Ghost Girl. This is all my fault." Tony admiting he was in the wrong was massive and it wasn't an easy task for the billionare to ' _fess up_ '.

"Ghost Girl is a code name for Olivia, the Inhuman that lives in the Tower." as if on cue, Friday brought up the file on Olivia and Claire started reading. The file was extensive and luckily it offered an explanation for the girl's ability to calm Bucky down.

" _Mind control?_ " Claire stared at Tony in disbelief "You let someone prone to _mind control_ near Bucky - who's been brainwashed for the better part of the last _century_ \- and it didn't occur to you that you should bring this up earlier? Are you out of _your_ mind Tony?!"

There was nothing to be said after Claire's short speech; he wasn't in his right mind, Tony knew that. Keeping the Manchurian Candidate so close to Olivia was a huge risk, but at the time, Tony was willing to take it - Steve, Bruce, Natasha; all of them combined couldn't keep Bucky under control when he went berserk so Tony needed a fail safe. Olivia was a fail safe.

"I didn't know she was visiting him every night." pondering over his cup of coffee, he finally meets Claire's piercing glare and it was a mistake of epic proportions; she's not simply mad - she's furious. The look on Claire's face makes Tony wonder will he share Peter's fate of almost being bludgeoned to death with folded newspapers, but none are in Claire's proximity, luckily for Tony.

"This has to stop Tony - Bucky, he - he's not well enough for this." Claire finally exhaled and looked across the table to Tony "Did you know that he thinks he killed her? Did it ever occur to you that she'll do more harm then good?"

Tony thought about it; but then he saw the image of his mother's last breath in his mind and that eased his concience. He couldn't just let a juiced up super soldier roam freely around the tower with no safety net in place. He needed Olivia. They needed Olivia.

"I help. I try to; at least." meek voice startled them both - and there she was, standing in the corner, with her long dark hair in a plait and big, round ocean blue eyes.

"Excuse me?" Claire seemed genuenly dumbfounded as she stared at the girl who seemed to be the source of all this trouble. But now that she was basically all up, close and personal, Claire picked up on small things that appeared to be nervous ticks - Olivia was wrapping the end of her plait around her index finger and it was clear as day that she was avoiding direct eye contact with them.

"He can't sleep, and when he does it, I - I can see it. So in turn, I couldn't sleep. Thought I'd be doing everyone a favor if I just, you know, blocked the bad things out." 

"You shouldn't be able to do that." after a longer pause in which he simply observed the way that the situation would play out, Tony finally spoke and Claire's eyes were back on him; thankfully, withouth the angry glaring this time.

That changed rather quickly.

"How'd you find a way around it anyway? You shouldn't even be able to talk, and yet here you are."

"What do you mean, 'shouldn't be able to talk'?.."

 

And that's when Claire notices it - a thin black circle around Olivia's neck, with a black rectangular shape attached to it, which Claire pressumed to be a transmission box.

"Who said anything about talking?" Olivia's eyes were on Tony and the grin on her face grew as she watched realization hit Tony upside down on his head.

"You're not talking, are you? It's all in our heads, damn it.."

 

"Wait, you put a collar on a teenage girl? Are you insane?"

 

Tony was sure that he was gonna get what he deserves now; Claire was not a creature of the forgiving kind.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This whole thing was born out of a coffee/chocolate fueled 2 am youtube marathon where I stumbled upon the song from the Animaniacs. Out of that came this - my brain works in ways i can't even understand. Will be making a series of one-shots like this of Bucky recovering and interacting with everyone at the A-Tower


End file.
